Honesty

As I write this I am scared.  Not afraid of who you are, but afraid of who I am to be to get this done.  For me to write all that I believe I should, share all that I can, I must be honest.  Have a commitment to honesty, about my past, about my present about my future.  I can’t share this in the way I need to without sharing my heart and showing you the scars on it.  But what I can say in this moment, in this place, is that despite the fear I know that strength lies beneath.  The strength does not come from knowing, but realizing that although there are a lot of known unknowns, I am willing to bear my all and be honest about it. What I believe is that in my being honest with you, you, in turn, will be prompted to be honest with the most important person you need to be honest with…yourself.

So here are the truths that I know and stand in honesty about.  First, I am not perfect.  Not even close to what I think perfection looks like, but that is beauty.  My beauty is based on the experiences that life has afforded me, both good and bad, and the realization that it is ok to not be perfect.  God made me in love and I, believing in His message of love around me, am accepted by Him…despite my imperfections.  I have been broken, I have been abandoned, I have been judged, I have been used, I have been abused.  However my most honest moment came when I realized that all of these things didn’t happen to me at the hand of someone else, but often times were my own doing… And allowing.

In honesty, when you truly claim this virtue, you are telling the world and yourself that you hold truth in the highest regard.  So if I am honest with you I would have to say that I have not always held truth in its rightful place.  The truth is I have allowed myself and often sought out the lies that were more comforting in many situations than freeing the truth that I knew within.  I knew he was wrong for me, that I did not need to speak in that situation, that I did not need to be in that place, that I should not have sent that text, read that email, looked at that picture…truth is I am guilty of wanting to believe the lie that the truth was not, instead of accepting what the truth is.

Truth is I am an strong woman, a mother to an amazing daughter, a sister to loving brothers and sisters, an employee in a wonderful organization, a singer with a story, a friend to some, an acquaintance to others, a lover to even less and a child of God to the King.  Truth also is that I am an ex-wife from a unfortunate marriage, an ex-girlfriend to some who hurt me and others I hurt, a secret to others who shamed me.  Truth is there are moments that I cried alone because the silence was so suffocating, that I have questioned my purpose because it didn’t seem to unfold as quickly as I had imagined, that I doubted the promise of blessing and effectiveness in even writing this, that I often feel like pieces of a person instead of a whole.  Truth is I look at couples in love and wonder if I will ever have that again, I ask if I am worth the love I desire, that I pray my mistakes do not misguide my child and that I plead with God for a covering when life’s pressures seem overwhelming.  Truth is I have had many moments of insecurity, of feeling unworthy, of feeling less than, of feeling guilty, of feeling alone, of feeling betrayed, of feeling sad.  But the truth is I know that I must believe in myself.  Because the truth is whatever I believe God has told me about me is the true person I am.

This is my promise: that I will always speak in truth.  So let’s be honest…